My mind is one that never seems to rest. It turns and cranks every scenario I do/could encounter...sometime causing more stress and worry than I could want. I find myself in moods or ruts sometimes because of my thoughts. Maybe its just because I become hypersensitive to my thoughts, but most times I find other peoples conversations and even music around me to match, cause, and influence more thoughts. On my mind a lot lately...relationships.
Lets be honest from the get go, I have little to no reference on the subject, how ever, I know quite a lot. I am the man who has always kept himself so busy with work and school so there was no need for a relationship. I am the man who sees his friends and families growing and moving away with their life partners. I am the man who goes to meals and events alone, and comes home with no one to see and share my daily joys and pains with. I am the man who has a heart so large it murmurs and pulses when emotion is true. I am the man who can make someone happy. I am someone who would cherish a partnership of friendship in love.
All my life I have watched with open eyes relationships and gathered what I felt was the keys to success. Goods and bads, dos and dont's, dreams and fair tails. Its never simple that's for damn sure! Relationships don't work like a cookie cutter, but more like and eggs. Eggs can be cooked in many ways, yet you still end up with an egg in the end. Eggs(relationships) are fragile things that if broken can never be fully be put back together. You just have to either cook it another way or toss it out and try again.
Like I've said, the last personal relationship I "had" was in 6th grade; when eating at the same table and walking to classes together meant you had it all figured out. I've avoided the subject really well to date...I'll tell you what, I've saved a lot of time and money too. For what though? To be 24 and not know what it is like to date and maneuver a world that is so fast and non traditional unlike what I've envisioned all my life and been taught. How do you even begin to feel like capable when kids half your age are in relationships you aren't? Do you just jump in doing what ever it takes or do you sit back and wait for something to happen? Or better yet, what percentage of the two do you mix to get your result.
I guess I've always seen two types of people when it comes to relationships. Those who are always looking, and those who are waiting for it just to happen. I have been the later of the two....what good that has done me...I'm still waiting. I want a FRIEND who becomes more...but we all know that comes with the possibility of things never working and a friend becoming lost.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of happiness and love. I'm jealous of the people I love who have what I don't. I jealous of courage and dedication even when its rough. I'm jealous of my friends finding persons first. I'm jealous I'm the one always loving and not being loved. I'm jealous I care SO MUCH and don't know how to not care.
Someone recently told me I was in a "different part of life" than them and not to stress because things will come in time. I get it...But don't discredit my heart for being any less capable of love and emotion just because of my age and track record. I see the happiness in the friends and family members around me. I see the pain as well. That's where I am pretty freaking good at seeing what works and doesn't work. That's where I don't have the personal stories to help you through your needing someone to talk to, but I know how someone should be treated and feel when it comes to a relationship.
Maybe my standards are to high and I will end up old and alone. That's what I don't know. I don't know how to play this game. I don't know what its like to put someone else ahead of myself and have them do that same in return. I don't know what it is like to have a relationship....but I DO know how to love.
As you can tell, there is a lot in this post. And this is only a sample of what my head looks like at any given moment. All I want is someone to talk to; someone to care what my day was like; someone to do something for you because they want to not because they have to; someone to know a hug or kiss is needed or give them even when you don't need them; someone to make laugh; someone to think about and know they are thinking of you; someone to miss; someone to defend; someone to fight for you; someone to fight with; someone to surprise; someone to talk about like they talk about you when your not around; someone to love and be loved.
I may not have ever had a relationship but trust me when I have loved. I know the pain of a broken heart before its been loved back...think about what my heart is capable of when it is loved...